Dear Diary
by sasunaru43ver
Summary: (This was updated) Italy (age 17) has been friends with Germany for a long while. Within that time, he became more attached to Germany. Unsure if Germany\'s into him he just dreams about it. Until that morning.
1. Dear Diary

_Is it sad that I just sit here and think about him? Is it sad that I want him to be beside me right now? Or is it just stupid of me to think in such a way?_

Well, that's how I feel all the time. We're really close friends but when I'm around him I feel something more. I always want to be around him at any given time but… I can never get as close as I wish to. I can never have him hold me or kiss me like he does in my thoughts. It makes me sad when I think about it. I just want to cry in my room all night because of the thought that he might not like me or guys at all-

"Italy? Are you still up?" Romano had came in asking if I wanted to come with him over Prussia's house.

"Uah… Yeah, sure. But why? Plus it's, like, 11 something p.m."

"I don't know why really. Prussia invited some people over and then Spain asked if I wanted to come. We're waiting on you, so do you?"

The phone starts to ring but I wasn't sure about getting. "… I'll be down there in a sec, okay." He went on down after I answered my phone. "Hello?" I ask. A deep voice was on the other line. Just hearing it made me shake.

"Hey, Italy. Prussia's having one of his mini-parties or whatever. Wanna come over?"

It was Germany. My heart had stop for a minute than got back on track. "Italy? Are you still there?" He asked. I can feel my mind wondering and then I snap back to reality.

"Oh! Uah… Yeah. I'm coming with Romano and Spain." I said back finding it so hard to form the words I had on the back of my mind.

"Cool, I'm glad you're coming. I'll be waiting outside for you." I can feel a tone of happiness within his voice. I start to blush and felt my body melt. "O… Okay. See you soon." I hung up the phone and whet down to get in the car.  
The whole why there I was shaking and thinking a bit too much. I was so happy to see that he'll be waiting for me, but at the same time I was thinking about how to act when I see him. I also thought to myself; how he got my number if I just got my phone last week? And I never came around to ask him for his number.

We arrived at Prussia's place and there were a lot of people outside. A mini-party I thought to myself. It was hard to see Germany until I got out. He looked up from this phone and started to smile. "Hey Italy!" He waved at me, I almost thought I was going to faint. For some reason, tonight I felt different and I don't know why. I ran to him and smile. He starts to apologies about the people here and told me that Prussia invited more than he had thought.

"Come on in, I kind of want to get away from this damn party." He leads me up to his room; on the way there it was hard getting through all the people. He opens his door and a blast of cold air hit me good, I can remember stepping back a little.

"Hua? Oh, sorry about the air. I keep the A.C running a lot. Do you want me to cut it off?"

"N-no, it's fine." We go in and I get really tense and uptight. I've been in his room before but never alone. And I've been around him lot! He taps me on my shoulder and I jumped.

"Are you ok? You seem nervous about something."

"I'm fine, really. It's just…" I stopped talking. How can I tell one of my best friends that I don't feel okay about being in his room? Or, hell, being around him? God, I just wanna run!

"Just what? Is it really the A.C? Cause, you know, I can turn it off."

"No it's not the A.C, really. It's… It's just… I don't know." I sat down on his bed, thinking as he came to sit right beside me. Germany had seen that I was crying before I can recognize it myself. I can feel his arms wrapped around me. My heart had stopped once more.

"Italy, please tell me what's wrong. I hate to see you like this. I want to help you." The way he was holding me was like I was like I was in my dream. But I never cried in those dreams… Or in my thoughts… I know I shouldn't be crying like this.

"I'm… I'm okay… Germany. I keep telling you that nothing's wrong"

"Stop saying that. You're sitting here crying your eyes out and you're telling me you are okay."

"Look, I don't know what's wrong so I can't tell you...!" I yelled out, He looked at me hard and I felt scared. "Ger…Germany?" He moves closer to me. He pushes me down, leaning over top of me.

"W-what are doing?!"

"You won't tell me what's up so I have to make you tell me…"

He puts his hand on my chest and slowly slides it down. I start to blush like hell and my body was on fire. He starts unbuttoning my shirt and places his lips on my chest. I try to move but Germany has my hands pined. I begin to yell at him to stop but he wouldn't let up at all.

"Ger…Germany… Please stop..." I end up crying again. When he sees me face he leaned up. He pulled me up by my hand and held me closer to him. We sat there, his arms around me, him staring down at me with a really serious face.

Somehow he broke me down. I held him back and started to cry. I then tell him why I was acting so weird at first. I thought he would be shocked and tell me to get out. Instead, Germany kissed my forehead and lifted my head by my chin.

"If you really love me, will you show it?"

I froze; my heart started beating faster when he said that. "Show… You?" I ask.

"Yeah, show me. Like so…" He moved in slowly, pressing his lips onto mine. I kept my eyes open in shocked, it caught me off guard and made me wanted to push him back. However, I didn't. I just laid there and took it all in. His tongue slipped in my mouth and it felt weird at the start but soon it became much more pleasurable.

I wrapped my arms around him tighter as he got closer. I couldn't breathe but I didn't care. I wouldn't even mind if I'd died like this. Germany let up and removed his shirt, then mine. His hands were cold dud to the air around us; I shivered at every touch he gave to my chest. I let a soft moan leave my body soon after another one, and another, and another to the point where I couldn't stop.

"G…Germany." I moaned, "Germany, wait... Is it really okay to do this here? I mean, everyone's right downstairs. Anyone could just walk in-"

"The door's locked, 'member? If anyone wanted to come in they'll have to knock." He said with smirk. I sighed and nodded. Slowly, I set up and whispered in his ear if we can go all the way.

"Are you sure?" He asked. "This is your first time right? I don't think we should push it."

"Awww. Its sweat that you care but I really want this. I've been wanting for this for a long time now. I can't stand with just thinking about it."  
He looks at me and asked, "You've thought about it?" My face rose up and I started to blush.

"W-well... Uammm."

He stands up and starts to laugh. This only makes me blush even more.  
I had also gotten a little mad cause I thought he might have been making fun of me.

"Stop laughing…! I'm serious, Germany!"

"I'm sorry it's just, you weren't the only one." He said with a soft smiled, "Come here."

I got up and came closer. He whispers in my ear – Are you ready? – And I couldn't help but shiver. I nodded slowly and got down on my knees in front of him. Opening his fly, I can see he was already hard. Germany asks once more if I was ready. I yelled, "of course!" He pulls out a straight, throbbing length. My eyes gotten wide and my body felt heated. I take a deep breath before stroking it.

Germany moaned; I can feel his body shaking. I began to stroke faster, putting more force into it. He bites is lip to keep him from moaning louder. "Should I…?" I asked. He nodded at me, so I begin to slowly open my mouth and too in the bed of his length.

It tastes sweet and sour at the same time. I didn't like but I didn't hate it either. "I-Italy…" Germany sighed as I went deeper.

"Ah! Ugh…Ughhh…" The sounds Germany made had my stomach turning. I still kept on deep throating, though. Soon, I started gag. I release from him and began to cough. "Italy, are you okay?" He asked.

"Ugh, yeah… I'm fine. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry about. It felt awesome." He smiles and kisses me. "Haha, this isn't over Italy. I still haven't came" A deep grin formed upon his face. It seems to scare me a little.

He lifts me up to my feet and lays me on the bed. He slowly takes off my pants and boxers. Once again, he smiled at me. Slowly, he said, "You're as hard as I was." I couldn't look at him anymore and blushed until my face was pink to red.

Germany guided my head back to him and kisses me deeply. He lifts off and tells me that this might hurt.

"I… I know. Just be genital… Please?" I said back with a worry smile. He placed two fingers on his lips, then to mine.

"… Of course." He takes his fingers from my lips and held my legs up on his shoulders, entering me slowly. I gasped and moaned, digging my nails into his back trying to take it. It really did hurt and I wanted to cry, but I thought – Haven't I cried enough? – So I stop myself and let out loud a bunch moans and groans.

He goes in deeper and starts to thrust faster. I can feel heat from between my legs. Germany's face became read as he kept to this rhythm.

"You're… Kind of tight Italy…" He says. I looked off to the side, trying to forget about it so I can focus on loosening a little bit.

"Ger…Germany! I feel like I'm a-about to cum…Ugh…"

"Don't yet. I'm not near to done."

He starts to thrust faster than before and even louder gasp came from my voice. It didn't hurt anymore, instead it felt good. It was something I wanted and finally got. "GA-GERMANY! I CAN'T HOLD IT! I… I GOTTA!"

We finally came at the same time. I shivered as the feel of cum went through me. It felt so hot, so good, I almost lost my control. He slipped out of me and placed his dick on top on mine, leaning down to lick the cum from my chest.

"How was it?" Germany asked.

"It… It was great… It hurt a bit but I liked it..." I answered, smiling at him as he smiles back. A knock came from the door, which had startled me. Germany held my hand for a second. He got up, fixed his pants, and then went to get the door.

He slightly cracked it. "Yeah?" It was a girl at the door. He seems to look as she was the same age as Prussia… Maybe.

"Duuuuude! You gotta come downstairs! Yo bro is, like, sooo fucked up. Dude's singin', and dancin', and a bunch of shit with Frannie, and Tonnie. It's so damn funny. C'on."

"Ugh, yeah I'll be down in minute."

"Sheeeeet, you might miss sum'em, bruh."

When she left he closed the door and came back over. Germany set beside me and pulls the covers over us. "Hua? I thought you was gonna go and see the show?" I began to ask. Again, he put his two fingers over his lips and then on mine.

"Why? I rather be here, with the person I love." He said softly, slowly moving closer to give me a passionate kiss.

It was one of my favorite nights ever from last year. I couldn't get it out of my head; Therefore, I wrote it down. Germany and I had other romantic times within a year, but this… This was the best out of all of them. I had gotten to hold Germany like I dreamed and he held me back. I got to go all the way with him like I dreamed. And now, now we're more than friends, more than best friends. We're lovers. And I'm glad for that.


	2. Dear Diary 2

Maybe I was over thinking it. Maybe he really didn't mean what he said. Maybe he did mean it… Maybe it was meant for me to hear. Germany wouldn't hurt me like that… Right? He wouldn't just leave me like that… Right?

-

It's been three months after Germany and I started dating. I honestly never had seen him so happy. I've always seen him smile but never like this, never so carefree. I was happy just to see that being with me made him smile like this. It only wanted me to stay with him more.

A perfect three months went by fast and I can tell that he was becoming disconnected. Germany would often stay at home in his room or a lone somewhere. I wouldn't try to be with him but he told me it was for the best if we just be alone. Sadly, I couldn't stop thinking that I done something wrong, that it was me who he became tired with.

That day I didn't want to leave my room either. Germany was feeling a little better, I can tell because he called me. We stayed on the phone all day. Either of us went outside to see the other.

"Italy, I kind of wanted to ask you something…" He started after a long string of silence. I blink and raised my head from my pillow.

"Hm? Yeah?" Another string of silence went by before Germany spoke again.

"Well… I kind of got you something. Although, you might think I was stupid for getting it."

"Why would think that? Anything from you would be perfect." I smiled and giggled a little. Inside, I felt like I said something wrong because, again, there was silence.

"… G-Germany…?"

"J-ja? Sorry, I spaced out…" I didn't know what to say to that so I nodded and tried to think of thing to talk about. We have been on the phone all day. Right now, it's only so the other wouldn't have to recognized that they're alone.

"Germany… Can you please come over? I haven't seen you in two days… I miss you." This was my plea to change things up. Still, I feel like we're falling with everything we're saying.

"… I can't… I'm sorry. You know I missed you two but-"

"No… It's fine. I'm okay… Germany, I have to go-"

"But-"

"I'm tried… I just want to sleep. Please?" I don't know if he would tell but I was crying. I really wanted to see him. Sure, I could go over there but why when he's hasn't been outside in two weeks?

"… Okay. I'll call you soon."

"Sure… Promise?"

Germany chuckles a little, "I promise. I love you."

"… I love you, too…" I hung up the phone after that and put on my head back on the pillow. I screamed. I screamed as loud as I could and cried that night. About an hour later Romano walked in. He was concerned about the screaming that I thought I masked pretty well.

"What the hell was that?!" He asked, yelling at me like always.

"It was nothing… It's always nothing."

"It wasn't 'nothing', idiot." He walked over and sat beside me. I wanted him to leave so I nudged his side a little. "I'm not leaving. You're acting like a child. Tell me, what's wrong."

"… It's as I said, nothing! Although, if it was something I wouldn't tell you; but it's nothing so I'm not going to tell you." My face was covered by my pillow. Romano did try to move it but the pillow never moved.

"Why now? You seem like you want to talk about something…" He leaned his head over mine, pulling the pillow down a little bit, "Fratatello… I want to know why you're mad… You never cute when you're like this."

Blushing a little; I pushed him back and set up, "… It's Germany…" I said in a very low voice. I looked off to the side, not really wanting to meet his eyes.

"What!? Did that Potato-Bastard did something to you!? Did he hurt you? I'll kill him!"

"NO! HE DID NOTHING…! That's just it… Nothing. He did nothing…" I couldn't help but cry in my pillow. I felt Romano's arms wrapped around me as I begin to cry morel. "I don't… I don't think he cares anymore. He won't even come over to see me…"

"I-its fine, Italy… It'll be fine."

"… But… But what if it doesn't? What if he won't want to see me anymore?" Looking up at Romano, I was still crying. He wiped my tears away and kissed my cheek. "He wouldn't do that… He loves you too much to leave you. There has to be something going on. When it's all over, he'll be the same bastard he was when he started dating you." Romano said with a smile and hugged me. I hugged him back in hopping that he was right. That Germany is going through some stuff. He'll be back to normal sooner or later.

I smiled at him and nodded, "Si, you're right. He will be okay." Romano smiled back and kissed me again before getting up and walking out. I smiled as he felt but I still felt like there was something bad. As if something wasn't right.

I just sighed and laid back down, trying to sleep. But, I mean, who couldn't whit that tapping sound keeping you awake. Sitting up, I looked out the window where the taping was coming from. . My eyes widen at the sight of seeing Germany standing, smiling at me from the back yard. Shit, I almost cried again. I rain down and out fast as I could.

Opening the back door, I ran into his arms, hugging him.

"I'm missed you so much, Italy." He said in a soft voice, kissing my cheek, "I'm sorry about not seeing you… I feel horrible for doing that to you." The face Germany made had me crying again. I hugged him more, burying my face in his chest.

"I-It's alright… I was worried but… I mean, you have a life, too. S-so something might have been going on that you couldn't see me." Replying with a smile, I continued to cry. He held me tighter and ran his fingers through my hair.

"I love you, Italy." Germany whispered softly in my ear then softly kissed me. I held onto him, kissing him back with passion. Before it went any further he pulled off and looked down at me. "Italy…" Germany sighed out. For some reason, I wanted to cry.

"I-Italy… I have to tell you something… Can we go in?"

"Um... Yeah, I guess." I smiled and led him in, holding his hand. I glace back at him a little and saw the black expression on his face. Maybe he wasn't fully over whatever it is he should be over.

I led him up to my room without Romano and Spain knowing. After closing the door, I sat down on my bed and smiled at him. Hopping what he had to tell me was good news, "Kay, what did you wanted to tell me?"

"… I… Um…" Germany put his head down. I started to frown and was a little bit scared of what he might say. He walked over to the bed, sitting right beside me, "… Italy… I… We have to move…"

My eyes became big and I held on tight to his arm. "W-what do you mean? You can't leave…! You've been my friend for so long and… We're going out…"

"I know…" His voice became shaky as he moved to hug me. "I'm sorry but I have to… I don't want to leave you..."

"Then why…? Why are you leaving me…?"

"I don't have any other choice." I started to cry on his shoulder, holding him tightly so he would leave. Germany then pulled back a little and kissed my forehead. "Come with me for tonight. I have to leave in the morning but I want a night with you before I go."

I blushed a little and blinked, "You… You do…? But I don't think I can leave…"

"Please? For tonight, be with me." He stared into my eyes intensely. I thought and gave out a small giggle, hugging him.

"Okay… I'll go with you." I smiled up at him and nodded, giving him a small peck. Germany stood as he held on to my hand and opened the door quietly so Romano and Spain wouldn't hear.

"Come on…" He led me down the stairs and out the back door. It felt a little like a rush to me. To be leaving in the middle of night with the love of my life before the day he leaves. Almost too close to a love story… I did I wanted a love story?

We walked for some time when we stumbled upon this small house. "What's this?" I asked; a little confused about where we were in the first place. Germany started to walk up and opened the door then turned back to me.

"It's the house Prussia and I used to live in. I didn't want it to be sold or distorted so they kept it up. I've been going here for ages. It's just a place where I can be in peace."

I stumbled up the small set of stairs and took his hand. "But… What's going to happen when you two leave..?" My voice was a little shaky and it felt like I was going to cry.

"I don't know yet… C-come on." He held my hand firm and led me in, closing the door behind me. The house looked so brand new and alive. I wouldn't think that for one person to be in it for so long that it would look this nice. But then again, Germany is a neat person. Germany walked me into his old room which was the last room down a short hallway.

When we went in, it looked just like his room back at his house. There were a little bit less than his room but it was still the same. He closed the door and sighed, looking down at me and giving me another small kiss.

"You're not tired are you?" He asked with a grin in his face. I blushed a little before answering back.

"Um, no. I'm fine… It's just like being in your room again." I giggled and joked off my comment. Germany sat beside and laid back on the bed.

"Yeah… I guess I did make this like my room back home. I didn't even mean to do that." He laughed; his voice was so deep it sent waves through my body. I couldn't stop blushing. I know it sounds weird but his voice as always turned me on since it changed.

I giggled softly and felt his hand rubbed against by back. It did make me jump a little. "You feel so uptight." Germany smiled at me when I looked back. I was hesitant but I leaned back, laying my head on his chest.

It was so quiet, so peaceful. I couldn't stop smiling at the fact that he really wanted to spend this night with me. Moving up to kiss his cheek, he leaned up. His face looked worried but nothing had happen. I set put and hugged him from bind.

"G-Germany…" I whispered to him. I could feel he was hurting, and it made be start to cry. "I… I…" I couldn't get anything out… It felt like I was stunned. Germany placed his heads over mine and looked back at me with a smile.

"It's okay," He started, "I just felt… Weird for a moment… I'll be fine." Germany whispered out. I sighed and kissed his cheek. I kind of wanted to cry again knowing that he'll be gone as soon as I wake up. Seeing that I might not be able to handle it, I never wanted to go to sleep.

He soon shifted so he was able to lie down on the bed. I laid my head beside him, putting my head on his chest. "Italy," He sighed out, looking up at the ceiling, "I want to ask you something… But I'm afraid of the answer…"

"… You can still ask…"

"… Will you… Will you come with us…?"

I blinked, a little unsure of what he just asked. I slowly set up, looking down at him, "W-what…? You want me… To come and live with you and Prussia…?"

"It's not that hard to piece together… Please…?" I couldn't think, I couldn't speak, I didn't know what to do. I just looked at him. He smiled back at me, trying to win me over… As much as I love him, as much as I want to be with him… I know I couldn't go. I couldn't be away from my family.

"… M… Mi dispiace… I can't go. I love you and I would love to be with you… But I can't go…"

Slowly, his smile faded. I felt like I was going to cry again. I sighed and put my head down so I wouldn't look at his face. Germany set up and kisses my forehead. "It's okay…" He said softly and held me close. I sighed, looked up at him and smiled. He leaned down and kissed me. As his grip got tighter, I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Italy…" He softly moaned out in between kisses. Finally he released and smiled down at me, "Ich liebe dich… Italy." Germany whispered in my ear, sending shivers through my body. His voice was so deep, so rough. I wanted to hear more it.

"Anche io ti amo…" I said back at him, smiling, kissing him once more. "Germany… I'm kind of tired… I just want to lay here with you."

"You don't want to-"

"Um, no… Not really… I'm sorry but I'm too tired for it." I looked down, even though I would love to do it with him… I didn't want to be the one who passed out before they came. He leaned to kiss my cheek and smiled.

"It's okay. It is late anyway." Germany laid down on the bed, holding me close and pulling the covers over us both. After a while of cuddling him, I begin to drift off to sleep. "Hey, Italy," In a low voice, he started talking. "You will always keep in touch with me… Right?"

"Of course… We are together, aren't we? What kind of boyfriend wouldn't talk to their lover after they've moved?" I giggled softly as he kissed me. "But you have to promise not to miss my calls." He smiled, nodding then kissed me back.

"I promise." Germany looked over at the window then sighed, "I don't really want to sleep because it would mean less time with you... I don't want that..." He slowly sat up, having me on his lap as he moved his arms around me, hugging me tight.

"I don't want to sleep either," I mumbled, holding him back. "But I am tired..."

"Then we'll sleep. I don't want to put stress on you for staying awake."

"I-it's not stress-" Germany put one finger on my lips, cutting me off. I looked up at him as he looked down, smiling. I know he made up his mind but I just didn't want this night to end. It was my late night with him here and that scares me.

I finally sighed and nodded as he kissed my forehead. We both laid down and listened to wind come in from the window. It was peaceful at the most. We didn't talk or move or even looked at one another. We just held each other til we fell asleep. I didn't mean to but I had fallen a sleep first.

-

When morning came, it beamed the sun directly in my face, waking me up. Slowly, I turned over, eyes still closed, I felt around the side of the bed. As soon as I didn't felt anything I jumped up. I felt scared at first, seeing how Germany wasn't in the bed beside me anymore. Before I could breakdown and start crying, I saw a note laying on the nightstand across from me.

{ I'm sorry, I thought I was going to be able to wake up with you before I had to leave but I'm afraid that wasn't going to happen. We had to leave early and that was a drag, but seeing you sleep made me happy. I forgot how cute you look when you're sleep. I still would love to see you someday, Italy. I love you. }


	3. Dear Diary 3

After reading that note I laid back down, looking towards the window as the sun beamed through. Moving would only make my body hurt and crying would make my heart ache much more. I never thought that he would have to move or we wouldn't be near him anymore.

Soon after some time went by I finally got up. Not wanting to leave yet, I started looking around the place. He's never taken me here so it kind of looked a little new. I got to a room that seemed like a study at the most. I sat down in the chair where the desk was and opened a draw. There were books. Journals, diaries, and notebooks.

"Maybe I shouldn't... I mean... They could be Germany's... And they could hold secrets..." I sighed then took out a journal that was marked "1" in the center. It took awhile but I ended up opening it and reading the first page.

{I'm not sure why I keep thinking this but it's just weird. It's not like I've never felt this way before... It's just towards who. Maybe it's because he's so different the kind of person I'm attracted to. But I don't know how to talk to him or what I should say. We've been friends but this... This...}

I closed the book and tried not to blush everywhere. "Could he be talking about me? He couldn't be talking about me... C-could he...? W-wait, he did say he had a lover before me, right? He could be talking about that person."

I tried not to think about it but there were a lot of other books. After fighting with myself, I finally took out another book. It didn't have a date on or in it. I just opened it to a page and started reading.

{I tried talking to him after my friends pushed me into doing so. I couldn't stop being nervous about it and all we did was sit there and talk about nothing. I was pretty sure I was saying everything wrong but he was laughing and talking back. I'm glad he did, I was just working up the feeling to ask him out to my brother's party. But he had to leave... I missed my chance.}

"... I have to get out of here..." I told myself, trying to get up. But I couldn't. I couldn't get up, I could only sit there and think about what he wrote and what else he might have written. It is a little cute that he might have been thinking about me... B-but what gets me is that he's been thinking about me for a while. Longer than I've been thinking of him, maybe!

Finally, I stopped thinking and walked downstairs. Slowly making my way to the kitchen. I had a feeling for coffee and that was something I knew Germany drunk everyday. I looked around and found some different types of coffees to make. After making it, I sat down at the table and thought a little more to myself.

For some reason, I had this feeling that Germany new me before I even meet him. It was the 5th grade when I first saw him. Prussia and Sweden as well. They were both in higher grades as me and they all caught my eye. But only Germany was the only one who made me feel week.  
Romano kept telling me to stay away from them but I couldn't help it. Finally, in middle school, Germany and I became friends. I always wanted more but 'friends' was about as far I can go.

But now... Maybe he's been wanted to talk to me since I moved and started going to that school in first grade. I sighed and drunk most of my coffee. Now I really didn't want to leave. I wanted to read more of the journals.

-

I found myself back in the room where I found the books, reading through them like a Harry Potter book. I can't believe he felt this way for this long. It was like I was so blind to him! About an hour later I came across a small red book. It wasn't mark and it didn't have a name on it. I found it inside a blank book with a small square cut out to fit the book.

The color caught my eyes, a deep blood red with black roses around it. "This doesn't seem like it could be Germany's..." I disregarded my thoughts and opens the book. I didn't know this side of Germany... He never showed me this side of him before.

-

'Today I just found out that Prussia and I have to move again. This will be the 4th foster home in 2 months. Prussia hasn't said anything or shown any emotion about the change. I guess he's used to it now. But I'm not. I really just want to go back home. Even though I know I can't.

It's late and Prussia's sleep. I couldn't sleep. I can never sleep in this house. There were always sounds coming from downstairs. Brother and I were always told not to go down there but I couldn't keep myself from finally knowing. We were leaving in the mother after all.

I slowly creeped out the room and through the house. When I got to the door that led to the basement I stood there. Shaking a little more than usual when I hear the sounds. The yells, the sounds, the cries for help all became clear when I got to door. So did the faint sounds of footsteps.

Scared and still shaking, I ran back to my broom before the basement door opened. When our foster father peaked in the room, I faked that I was sleep. He must of bought it because he left without coming in to check. That morning as we got our things ready to go, I was silent. Brother tried to get me to talk but I was too scared.

I couldn't wait to leave and go to our new home. I never wanted to go back into that house again.'

-

The front door opened and I jumped, quickly putting the books back where they were. I walked to the banister of the stairs, looking down at the door. "Italy...! Italy, are you still here?" Germany's voice echoed through the house. My heart lit up and smile appeared on my face. I ran downstairs, running up and hugging him tightly. He felt so warm, so different than how he left.

Then it hit me.

"W-wait... I thought you were long gone? Why are you here?" There was a long silence as he looked off to the side. I was kind of puzzled, I mean, I love that he's here but... Why?

"... Something happened and... I have to stay here a little while longer today..." His frown turned into a smile as he kissed my forehead. I couldn't help but smile back although, I kind of wanted to know why he was still here. I hope nothing bad had happened or anything. "Besides, what are you still doing here? I thought you would have went home by now." Ludwig chuckled, his mood seemed a little brighter.

I blinked, "O-oh.. Um... I just woke up and just stayed in bed. When I heard the door open I got up. I hope it's okay..."

"Ja, I guess. I'm glad you're here. I didn't really want to be alone today... Is that my shirt?" He smiled again, tugging at the shirt that did look a little big on me.

"Y-yeah.. I didn't feel like going home so, yeah." I smiled back and kissed him. "Can we walk to my house. I kinda want to get out of these clothes." Ludwig nodded and held my hand and started walking out the house. I followed, trying to remember if I put all the books back. I hope I did. I'm sure he would be mad if I went looking through his stuff.

-

On our way home I couldn't stop looking at the ground. I felt like I really shouldn't be here. Like, it was a little awkward holding Ludwig's hand and having him walk me home. This shouldn't be awkward! We always do this! Plus, he isn't talking to me. I'm not sure but I can't seem to talk back. Maybe I would just keep to myself...

We walked for about 30 minutes in silence, I don't remember it taking this long to get back to my house. "Listen, Feli..." Ludwig mumbled under his breath. I shoot my gazed right at him. I didn't think he was going to talk to me, see how he hasn't so far.

"S-si...?" I asked, trying to clear my throat.

"I will be leaving soon, later on tonight." He stopped. Looking at the park where we always would go to and sit under this huge tree together. A small smile came to his face as he looked back at me. "I know we should be walking home but let's stay out a little while. Ya know, before I have to go." He held my hand tight and, without me agreeing, we led me straight to the same tree. He then sat down and I sat right beside him.

"Anyway, I will be leaving soon... And I don't know if I'm going to come back to this city." Ludwig started as his voice got deeper. "I don't want to leave you again. I can't stand to see you hurt. But this isn't something I can control. If I could, I wouldn't be going and we could stay together in that house of mine. Sadly, that will have to wait."

"I don't really want you to leave either." I sighed, holding his hand tightly. I leaned my head on his shoulder as he smiled. "I really thought you were going to stay this time. I never planned for this..."

"Me either... No one did. We was brought up to us. We couldn't do anything..." Everything got quiet and peaceful for a moment. The sun looked as if it was setting as the sky faded to orange. I couldn't help but smiles up at him and watched as he smiled back. "You're so cute, Feli." He mumbled, sliding his hand on my cheek. "I hate that I'll have to leave you."

"We can always write each other or video chat." I tried to smile, though it was weak. I didn't want to cry because I know he hates that... But I couldn't help it... Leaning my head onto his chest, I burst out crying. "I don't want you to go... Please don't go..." I mumbled, wrapping my arms around him so tight to the point that he couldn't leave.

"I... I'm sorry, Feli... It's not my choice to say no. I must go." Ludwig hugged me back and kissed my forehead. "Some point of time I will be back. And, like you said, we can video chat if he ever miss the sight of each other." He smiled and slowly pressed his lips to mine.

It was soft, slow, and long. The kiss lasted for, what felt like hours, only minutes. As we broke away I gave him another weak smile. Trying to assure him that I'll be okay. Ludwig smiled back hugged me again, a little tighter this time. I almost cried again if not for a small beeping noise that kept getting louder.

I tried to move away from him but I couldn't. I tried to talk but I couldn't. As the beeping got louder it started to hurt my ears. It was unbearable to just sit and listen to it. Finally I was able to move but when I let of Ludwig wasn't there.

The tree wasn't there.

The park wasn't there.

All I could see was black.

-

As my eyes opened I looked straight the clock that was making the beeping noise. Franticlly, I jumped out of the bed and looked around. I was in the room. The room Ludwig and I feel asleep at.


	4. Dear Diary 4

_**NOTE: I'm sorry it's shorter than the others. I tried to make it long but that didn't work. You see, I had an idea but if I'd put**_  
_**it in here it'll be too soon and I didn't want that. So, really, this chapter was just me winging it with no idea in between my real**_  
_**idea at all. Anyway, it's something!**_

* * *

I knew it! I just knew it! Everyone was right but I was too fucking blind to see it myself! Or maybe I didn't want to see it. Maybe I was happy living the lie that I thought was the truth.

I waited five minutes before moving. Slowly my eyes started scanning the room. Everything looked the same. Like it was untouched... Like I never got up. I'm still in my clothes and the only thing different is that the clock showed that the time was noon. I slept most of today away.

"So... It was all a dream...? Me waking up, changing clothes, the books, the stories!? Even Ludwig coming back...? It was only one big dream that felt so real." My legs felt weak as I laid back on the bed. I couldn't hear anything and I couldn't move my body for a while.

After some time went by I finally got out and walked straight to the room where I found the books. They were still there, in the drawer where I found them before. My hands were shaking as I picked up the first book and begin to read it.

"... It's the same... Everything in here is the same..." I started looking through all the other books. Each one that I read in my dream was the same! Does this mean I had a vision? Couldn't be, I don't even believe in that kind of stuff... Maybe.

If it was true... Does that also mean Ludwig would be here soon? "... I shouldn't get my hopes up..." I sighed and put all the books back. I didn't get changed clothes either. I just left.

While walking home I passed by the park that was in my dream. Looking over at the tree we sat under there was another couple with, what I'm guess is their child. They looked so cute together. One happy family. I couldn't help but smile as I watched them.

"I guess I thought it would be nice if Ludwig and I were like that. It's too early to think about it but... I would love to have a family with him." I sighed and kept walking home. Antonio's car wasn't there so I thought neither was Lovino. I walked in only to be yelled at by Lovino.

"Where the hell were you!? Antonio and I were worried sick when we found out you left in the middle of the night! You should have told us or something! And you didn't take anything with you, how do you think we're supposed to contact you if you don't have you phone?!"

I stood there and sighed, listening to him rant on about how I shouldn't be leaving and that went out looking and other shit. I didn't care much. I was perfectly fine and well taken care of. "You like someone's mom." I smirked. "I'm here now. I'm okay, nothing's wrong and... Well... I just want to take a bath..."

"Don't pull that shit on me. I'm your brother I'm supposed to worry!" Lovino's still talking and yelling at me not to walk away from here. I couldn't tell him I was Ludwig last night and had this crazy dream that felt so real.

Finally, long after he stopped talking, I drew some bath water and slowly got in. As I leaned back I couldn't shake every detail of that dream out of my head. As much as I tried it all stuck with me. Ludwig's face, the stories, even what he said while we were under the tree. A little of it make me sick, like I was going to throw up. I guess that was a little too much for me.

Other than the dream and having to walk home alone, the bath felt nice. I kind of feels like I haven't had a bath in over a week! I just sat there, dipping my head under the water at times. For the rest of the hour I just sat there and played with the bubbles I added a few minutes ago. I felt like a child.

I walked into my room and cut the light on, quickly closing and locking the door. It was quiet now. Really quiet. Kind of uneasy to me. I couldn't stand it so I went to my computer and started playing Go|Radio out loud. Or, at least loud enough for me. I don't really want Lovi coming up and banging my door down.

Sighing, I sat on my bed and looked out the window. I couldn't stop staring at the back gate door that Ludwig would always come through when ever he wanted to see me. He didn't really want to have to fight with my brother just to be with me. A small smile came to my face as I started to cry. It was too much. It hasn't even been a day and I can't stand being away from him. What if he's right?

What if we ever see each other again?

"What if we slowly stop talking to one another...?" I asked myself as I tried to stop crying. But it was pointless, the tears kept flowing. It was already late and the music seem to hit harder than it used to. Go|Radio is more fitting at this time, isn't it?

_'I'm building my own cell tonight._  
_And I'll will never make a key._  
_It's just me in the dark,_  
_Alone here with my heart,_  
_And will you come and set me free?'_

The music had started to drift me to sleep. Slowly the lyrics played and slowly I fell. I couldn't hear the outside noise, I couldn't hear Lovino calling me, I couldn't hear my phone beeping every five second, just the must. I only heard the music.

When I woke up it was almost one in the morning. The music was still playing when I got up to turn it off. I looked over at the window again then quickly looked away. "There's no reason anymore... I need to stop... " I mumbled as I walked out my room and made my way downstairs.

The house was dark and quiet. The only light came from the bathroom and kitchen, like normal. I turned on the living room light too see Lovino sleeping on the sofa. The T.V was still on, he seemed to had been watching a movie. I sighed and moved him a little but he wouldn't budge.

Tired and frustrated, I tried to move him again but ended up laying on him. It's nothing new, anyways. He used to wake up pushing me off. Lovino can be mean, can he... I leaned up and managed to move his legs so I can sit at the end of the sofa.

It was still quiet and a little scary. The only thing playing was a movie I didn't even know and Lovino's snoring. I guess that makes me feel like I'm not alone. I stayed there for a while, falling back to sleep until I heard Lovino calling my name.

"Feli...? Why are you doing here? shouldn't you be in bed?"

"Shouldn't you?" He glared at me and sighed as he sat up. I didn't really look at him, I kept my eyes closed.

"Don't play with me." Lovino got up and into the kitchen. "You want or something?"

"No..."

"... What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing..."

"..." He didn't say anything and walked back, sitting beside me. I didn't really pay him any mind, I was watching the movie after all. "Something's wrong... You wouldn't be acting so moppy, even if you were tired."

"What if... What if I don't want to talk about now?" I mumbled, looking down. If I told him he wouldn't care. He hate Ludwig and didn't even wanted us going out. So telling him that he left would only make him happy.

"Then I'll keep asking. I want to help you, but I can't if you're not telling me shit."

"... Promise you won't say 'I told you so'...?"

"What are talking about...?"

I took a long pause and looked straight at him. "Ludwig left... He left last night. When I left that night, I left with him to this house. We spent the night together. Our last night together. He told me had to move and that he really loved me." I smiled a little, I can feel myself wanting to cry all over again. "When I woke up he was gone... And I had this weird but real dream that only turned out to be a dream. Anyways, he's gone now and I'll have to get over that. I can see talk to him over line. I just won't be able to touch him..."

"... Damn it, Feliciano. You shouldn't have got yourself into this. He was going to leave and I knew this was going to happen. Why didn't you tell me when you came back?"

"You were just yelling, like you always do. And I didn't want to talk about it. I only wanted to sleep." I sighed and leaned on Lovi's shoulder. He pulled me into a hug and shook his head. "To tell the truth, I wouldn't even think you would care..."

"Of course I care. I care about you, not that bastard. You're my fratello after all. If I didn't care that would make me a bad brother, you know." He chuckled and held me tighter, which made me smile. We both laid there on the sofa in silence. I felt nice, Lovino and I really haven't done this in a while. I just thought he grew out of it.

"You could never be a bad brother." I smiled and hugged him back and closed my eyes. I really was getting tired again and I couldn't hold out much longer. Lovino pulled the cover over us as we watched the movie.

"Tomorrow, you wanna miss school and hang out? It'll just be us to. Ya know, to get your mind off... Ludwig for a day."

I giggled and smiled at him. "Yeah, that'll be fun."


	5. Dear Diary 5

_**Note**: So let me just say that I am close to the end of this story. I don't know how many parts I have left, but it might be 2-3 more. Also, I don't know what to call these. They're not chapters, I didn't want them to be chapters, because the first Dear Diary was made as a One-Shot. So, these are kind of like books. Books with one chapter in them like a short story that, if you collect them all, you have a pretty rainbow._

_… I don't know, just read XD._

* * *

The sun started to hurt my eyes as I woke up the morning. I moaned and sat up, looking around to see that I was in Lovino's room. I couldn't help but be a little confused. Why was I here? What happened yesterday? And why does my chest hurt? As I sat there thinking, it kind of came back to me.

"I was with Ludwig… We fell asleep together… I was so happy. Then I woke up… He was gone… There was a note… I was a little sacred. He had to leave… I was sad. But he came back… He came back and we spent a moment together under the tree in the park… Then I woke up… I felt broken…"

"Why are you talking to yourself?" Lovino ask me when he walked into the room. I blushed a little and looked down.

"N-no reason… Just thinking…"

"You think too much… You know that, right? It is good for you." He said before sitting down the bed. "Antonio had already left so get dress." Lovino smiled at me and started walking out the door. I don't know where we're going but I remember that we're going to hang out today, I guess. It's kind of difference… I mean, we never really get to hang out anymore

I wanted to get up but my body felt so numb, so lifeless. It hurt for awhile as I moved off the bed and went into the bathroom to wash up. The water felt cold, no matter how hot I tried to make it. Soon, it became warm and my body didn't hurt as much like before. It must have been because I calmed down, or tried to anyways. I just sat there in the bath for almost an hour, thinking to myself about Ludwig. I know I should. But I couldn't help it.

"Hey, Feli, are you done?" Lovino knocked on the door which scared me a little.

"Y-yeah, I'm sorry… I'll be out soon."

"Well, hurry up." He chuckled, "You know I hate waiting." I could hear him leaving my room and shutting the door behind him. I sighed and soon got out, wrapping a towel around my waist as I walked out and set on the bed. It was cold around the room but I still sat there. Looking down at the rug, spacing out again.

Once I've came to reality I forced myself to get up and get dress. I didn't feel like really picking out anything so I just grabbed jeans and one of Lovino's All Time Low shirts. He has so many of this, I know he wouldn't mind.

I came downstairs into the living room too see Lovino laying on the sofa. "It took you long enough, idiot." He smiled. "Come on, I want to leave before Antonio gets back." Lovino got up and grabbed the keys on the table.

"Where are we going, by the way?" I asked, getting my jacket and following him out.

"Somewhere."

"Where?"

"Jeez, just enjoy the ride. You'll see when we get there." Lovino huffed and got in the driver seat. I didn't say anything after that, I just got in the car. "Sorry… It's just… You really shouldn't be asking when I have this day planned out." He smiled at me before backing out the driveway.

"Really?" I giggled, "But I like spoilers."

"Well too bad. Just sit back and listen to whatever the fuck you want." He smiled and started driving. I rolled my eyes but I would never pass up having radio rights so I started flicking through channels before stopping because there's nothing ever on in the morning. Lovino really didn't speak much and I didn't really look over his way either. It was kind of awkward until he finally stopped at a read light and leaned back.

"Feli… Can I ask… Are you still missing him…?"

"… That's like asking a starving child is he still hungry." I frowned. His face turned from curious to guilty. Lovino then sighed and paused for a moment.

"I-I'm sorry… I guess that was a stupid question… But, for today… At least while we're out… Try not to… I know he left, I know you miss him… But… He might not be coming back…" Lovino mumbled as he soon pulled into a parking lot.

"It's not that easy, Lovino! You should know from that fight you and Antonio had… I thank you for trying but I don't think I can forget… HE DID JUST LEAVE YESTERDAY!"

"Yeah! I understand that…" He shouted back at me then went silent. After find a place to park and stopped the car and leaned back. Again, he was quiet and I was just a little bit uneasy. But then Lovino turned to me. "I'm sorry. I know you feel like shit right now but, today's our day. Right?"

"… Yeah… I guess." I mumbled but smiled at him. He took my hand and held it tight for a while, then let go of as he got out the car. "Where are we, anyway?" I asked, trying to break the silence.

"Just stay close to me and keep walking." Loving smiles and led the way through parking lot. I huffed and followed him to an elevator on the left. I didn't say anything to him, I just stayed close like he said. Still on the elevator, I took a glance back and almost fainted.

We were high. I didn't know how high but I know he wasn't anywhere near the fucking ground! "Just a couple more levels, Feli." He chuckled and leaned against the glass wall. I couldn't reply, I was just stunned by looking at the ground moving away. When the doors parted It was dark at first and I didn't really want to go but he took my hand in his and led me out.

Just a little quiet but a lot of people were walking around everything. My eyes widen as I realized that we were in a mall. The newly built mall with eight floors. I looked around, kind of like a child as I wanted to go into every store I saw but Lovino just kept dragging me on with a smile. I don't think he knows how much I want to hug him.

We walked into what looked like a theater room, kind of small but still enough for a lot of people. We sat in the back row waiting for the movie to start. I still couldn't bring myself to talk, I just kept looking around the room, even though I couldn't see much. My attention then snapped back to Lovino as I heard him laughed.

"You look so cute and clueless. You know where we are, so stop looking like a lost puppy." He smiled and held my hand a little tighter.

"I… I know…" I mumbled and looked at him with a small smile. "But.. It's so far out.. We're in a different city and… I've never been here before."

"But you wanted to come here. Sadly, we can't stay long."

"W-what? Why not?"

"Today was planned." Lovino smiled and kissed my cheek. "You'll have to wait." He chuckled again and lights went dim. Slowly the movie started and I kind of felt a little more relaxed. Though, I didn't know what the movie was, it was cute and I liked it. It really didn't seem like something Lovino would watch on his own.

Halfway through the movie I could tell Lovino just wanted to fall asleep. I kept having to nudge him to stay awake. It was cute and annoying. He managed to stay awake through the rest but I let him lay on my shoulder. It's was like he was child. When it was finally, he was more than awake. "That was kind of weak.

"Well, you sleep through most of it."

"Still, even the ending was weird. I don't understand how you can like romantic movies like that." He mumbled and got up, taking my hand to help me up. "I'll let you look around for awhile, maybe even buy you something. But we do have to leave out. There's one more place I want to take you to." Lovino smiled and we walked off the theater.

He led me around the mall for a while, I couldn't help but buy almost everything in every store. Lovino did try to hold me back at times but we ended up with 6 bags of clothes and internet merch. I can tell he was pissed but he still kept his smile on the whole time we walked to the car.  
I was happy while I was out shopping with Lovino. I couldn't help but smile the whole way home. Well, at least I thought we were going home. Lovino took this left close to our houses that I didn't know about. It was a country road that, he said, led to a park. I shrug him off and watched as he sun started to go down and everything else passing up by.

Finally, we came across a river that looked over the sun. He parked in front of the river and leaned back, sighing.

"Something wrong?" I blinked, looking over at Lovino. He only smiled at me and shook his head.

"No, it's nothing. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little bit tired."

"Then… Why don't we go back home?"

"We can't watch the sunset from our house like this, idiot." He chuckled, "It's much better from here." I looked over at the sun and leaned on Lovino's shoulder.

"Yeah.. It is perfect here." I smiled. It was almost midnight as we stayed there watching the sun set. Lovino was holding my hand and fighting at times. I'm not sure why though, but I didn't ask. Maybe it was a thing that happens, I don't know. W-well.. Come to think of it… I don't know a lot about Lovino lately since I started being around Ludwig more…

I'm sorry about that, fratello.

"Feli… I'm sorry about the whole Ludwig thing but I want to see you happy. I'm not saying to forget but just… Give it time. You might find someone better… Or you might see him again…" Lovino whispered to me, running his fingers through my hair. I sat there listening, nodding to him. "But, remember, if anything does happen.. Come to me. Alright?"

"Si…" I smiled in reply. It was a minute to midnight when Lovino shifted, lifting my head up to meet his and kissed me. He kissed me. Lovino kissed me. It felt so lovingly and passionately that, for that moment, I really did forget about Ludwig.


End file.
